Diamond,
I think you should further expand this piece. The idea of displacement within
this piece plays well- new apartment, the smoke resembling the previous
tenants. I think you could add another element to fulfill the "power of
three" rule. What is another ball you could juggle along with this? The
living in an apartment with someone who isn't your mom or dad? (Not sure if I
am correct in this fact.) Definitely flesh this theme out more and expand! You’ve
already got an interesting start of reflection in here. Now show us how you
came to this displacement. Why are you moving? What does this mean to you in
this particular moment in your life? Is this move significant? Why or why not? Do
you choose to stay here? If so, why did you stay despite your allergies acting
up? Is this all you could get at the time? I really would like to see you
incorporate more and give us some background history.
I
like your attention to detail and the ability to highlight uncanny
portrayals-such as the hornet outside. It demonstrates your ability to focus in
on images that otherwise become unnoticed and allow them a “reasoned” home
within your piece. (You don’t just throw it in there for giggles nor is it out
of place. It is well-incorporated into your piece.)
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